Have you ever wondered how different the world would be, if some famous people had the technological know-how we currently possess? Well, what if the said famous people used a Live chat software to solve their problems. Read on, to find out.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are the author’s own, and not a subject to be taken seriously.
1. Christopher Columbus
Don’t you just hate it when you set sail to India to find the riches, claim some land, and find a way to convert the infidels, and you stumble upon America, and not even the mainland?! It’s the worst.
So what do you do? Try the Indian Customer Support line for discoverers? Nope, you know that one is busy, thanks to Vasco. Email them? I mean sure, it’s the 15th century and the term patience is stretched much wider, but still, you don’t have the time to wait THAT long. Here’s an idea, live chat, and get your directions on-the-go. Don’t leave discovering India to chance.
Female shouting is resonating throughout the streets, just to be silenced with a short, but sharp sound. Male shouting, followed by the same sound from before. Gunfire. No shouting follows. The vault’s door flies blasted through the glass walls, and lands on the steps of Gotham’s National Bank. Robbery is taking place, or just an average Monday for the citizens of Gotham. Ugh, Mondays.
What’s a commissioner Gordon to do? Use the Bat-signal!
But wait, what’s the point of the Bat-signal if all it does is alert the thugs, and warn the Joker. Plus, who has the time to monitor the sky 24/7. Here’s a thought, set up an encrypted live bat-support page with bat-chat(and tons of other bat-customizations), and let Alfred manage it.
“Bat-chat, be the vigilante Gotham deserves.”
3. Alexander Bell
Imagine for a second that you’re in a parallel universe, where Columbus is using his MacBook Pro to navigate to India, and Batman is setting up a live bat-support page. Now, being in the same universe, assuming that the electronic computing technology preceded telecommunication, would the name Alexander Graham ring a Bell? Ha-ha. (Sorry, I was forced.)
In this scenario it’s quite possible, that Alexander Bell’s first recorded conversation would be on live chat, talking to Telecom’s life support, complaining about the internet connection (and yes, he tried restarting the modem).
4. Darth Vader
So you’ve chosen a different career path, and had to relocate for work (and abandon your beliefs, and turn to the dark side, and slay your old master, and some other small details), and all you want is for your son to join you, but the rebellious youngling that he is, he doesn’t seem to understand you and would rather stay with his friends, and claim he has no father! Teenagers.
However, instead of being rash, and going through all the trouble of attacking the rebel base, having the Death Star destroyed, and cutting off Luke’s arm, only to remind him who’s in charge, Vader should’ve just gone on the empire’s website, contacted their rebel support through a built-in widget, and asked to be transferred to Luke. I am sure “I am your father. – Darth Vader” would’ve sounded equally convincing on live chat, as when said in person. If still not convinced, there’s always video chat, and the unmistakable heavy breathing.
Finally, after years of growth hacking you’ve managed to bump your mailing list up to 120 mill. (based on a precise, and totally realistic calculation of children, aged 2-9, in the world, provided Here ), but with all that growing up nonsense, people seem to start opting out of your mailing list. God, that churn rate.
Putting that “growing up” theory aside, what else could be the cause of such retention failure? Well, I am no expert on Christmas, but 120 mill. is a whole lot of letters to read, and more importantly, a whole lot of letters to keep track of. Could it be that Santa’s processing technology is a little outdated, and it’s about some letters getting lost, and children not receiving their gifts? I’d opt out, too. I think it’s time to create a “Letter to Santa” page, and outsource this action to a dedicated elves support department. Keeping live track of children’s wishes is what can fix your churn rate and make your Christmas jolly.
Have any other famous people or characters using live chat you’d like to get covered? Post them in the comments section below!
P.S. I’d like to thank Aurelie Chazal for the awesome graphics.
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